Adoption
Adoption fucks up your life, right from the moment you are separated from your mother. They take her away from you and no one explains why. They can’t, cause you’ve just been born, and you can’t understand a word they say. No one can explain how evil you are to have deserved to lose the only person who loves and cares for you, the only person you need. And nothing can repair your broken heart at having lost her.
Adoption sucks. It fucks up your life from the moment you are told you are adopted, that someone else gave birth to you, but you are not allowed to know who they are, or why.
Adoption stinks. It fucks up your life as you are told that your mother just didn’t want you. Whether or not this is the truth, this is what you are told, and you believe it, cause you have no other information. You are not allowed to have any information.
You are not allowed to own your own birth certificate. You are not allowed to know your parents’ names. You are not allowed to own the clothes that your mother made for you. You are not allowed to own the teddy bear that your aunt gave to you. You are not allowed to know that your mother loved you and wanted to pass that information on. That information was not passed on. You are not allowed to know what your mother looked like. You are not entitled to a photograph, or a letter; you are entitled to have nothing, and to know nothing.
Adoption fucks you up. It fucks up your relationships cause you’re too terrified to get close to anyone. In those rare occasions when you do let someone in, and then they reject you, it’s mommy loss all over again. It hurts like hell. It hurts to the core of your being. You feel unloved, cheated, unlovable, worthless, and disgusting - all over again.
Do I sound bitter to you?
You are too fucken right I am bitter!
Weight Loss
March 23 today, and my diet is officially OVER. I celebrated by eating apple pie with cream; later I ate apple pie with pralines and cream ice cream; later I ate carrot cake, a donut, … you get the idea.
Still skinny, as of today, today being March 5th.
Not being one to go on about weight, losing weight, diets and such … however, I HAVE lost weight - about 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks or so.
Advice to anyone who wants to lose weight: lose your appetite first; then it’s free sailing from there.
For those of you who are interested, my BMI (body mass index) is now 23.2. It is in the normal weight range; well my bmi was before I dieted - just. Now it’s more middling, which is great.
Well well well …
March 5th update:
I’m doing healing work with Joe Soll, who can be found at www.adoptioncrossroads.net.
Don’t things just keep on bumping along and going tickety-wickety boo.
So much to do for my new support system. So little time to do it in. I’ll have to get back here later and fill you all in, when I have the time.
Inner Healing Work
“Every time an adoptee experiences any sort of loss, it is likely to touch upon the pain of losing her mother at the beginning of life. If this pain is not acknowledged or resolved, each loss will compound the pain of that original loss, so that the adoptee feels a whelming feeling of pain even if the trigger is relatively minor. It is common for an adoptee experiencing a break up in a relationship to feel as though she will actually die as a result of the loss. As stated earlier, this feeling relates back to the loss of her natural mother, which is why the rejection of a lover feels more devastatingly painful than one might expect.”
- Joe Soll, Adoption Healing
Sobriety
June 25, 2008
Sobriety? Forget it. Getting wasted? Forget it. The middle way is the only way to walk down the street without getting hit by a car going this way or that way.
I’ve been doing my best to get drunk in the last few weeks, and failing miserably at it. It just doesn’t do anything for me. So much for drunkenness, so much for sobriety.
This topic is closed for now.
New sober date: Friday March 7th
OK I did have a drink, on the Thursday but it wasn’t my fault., see I was tired of asking for a pepsi in a bar only to be told they had coke but no pepsi, and vice versa. So I asked for a “cola”. She thought I said “corona”. I tried to correct her but the bitch wasn’t listening so … and no I didn’t have to drink it when she presented it to me, but, I didn’t wish to appear rude. And no, I didn’t have to order a second one, specially as we were nearly heading out, but, I asked Steve to get me one earlier and he just sat on his ass waiting for the waitress.
Is that why she is called a waitress - cause you have to wait for her?
Anyhow, she didn’t come so 20 minutes later I demonstrated to Steve how to order yourself a drink - I went up to the bar, and asked, “A corona, please.” Easy as pie. He didn’t even charge me, but, I digress.
And no, I didn’t have to finish Nexus’s beer for him after he left, but, you know, old habits and all that. Frugality, that’s what it is.
March 5th, still on the wagon. Nothing new to report.
Tell ya what. I’ll just write something again here if I slip, ok?
February 26 and still sober. Woohoo!!!
My first sobriety date was Dec. 19, 2006, and I accomplished just over a year, about 13 months.
My new date is Jan. 24, 2008. Two days and counting …. woohooo!!
Feb. 6, and still sober.
My Names
I have three names that I use at present.
One name is Michelle, which I use on this site. I also use this identity in my work.
Another name I have is Tracy, which is a name given to me when I was 6 weeks old. It is my legal name.
My third name, my original name, is Samara. This is the name my mother gave to me, and is associated with everything I would have been, and everything that I am, in relation to my birth family.
So I have 3 names; does this mean I have 3 distinct personalities? No, I don’t think so, but it means that I have 3 identities. One is the person who works as a masseuse, who indulges in certain sexual practises and beliefs; one is the person who is my adoptive parents’ daughter, and the other is the person who relates to her birth family and also to those whom I hold dear.
So which is the real me?
The short answer to that is, they are all the real me. I have 3 names, so am I 3 different people? Well, maybe I am. I don’t know. If you’re confused by now, take heart! Imagine how I must feel.
What I have learned
So much, so recently. I’ll have to summarize.
I know now that I have to continue working on myself. This will include doing meditation and prayer, doing yoga, seeing my chiropractor, and finding a therapist who understands my particular issues. This last thing will not be easy but I will endeavour to at least seek one out.
Sometimes the things we learn about another person, though valuable, come too late. This is regrettable and sad; however, better late than never. The things we learn about ourselves, again, may come too late to salvage a beautiful relationship, but, maybe, karmically, it is better to learn now, so that when we meet again later in this life or in the next life, that bit of negativity is behind us now. We can move on with freshness.
I have learned never to be satisfied with the progress that I have made so far. So far, so good, but, so good is not enough. I have to continue towards perfection; nothing less is good enough.
